Life from the Perspective of a Security Guard

Aside


guard

While I’m in between jobs, I got a gig as a security guard. I basically stand around all day and watch people come and go. At a recent post, at a grocery store, who’s name shall remain nameless but rhymes with Galbertson’s, I learned a few things:

  1. The reason kids leave the store empty handed is because, as their moms put it, “You see what happens when you don’t behave?”
  2. Wearing pajamas to the store will never be in the “In” thing to do. No shirt, no shirts, No DIGNITY.
  3. You’d better take a cart or a basket in with you. If you don’t, you’ll eventually stumble back to the front of the store with your arms full of groceries you didn’t intend to pick up but now need a cart or basket to carry.
  4. You can’t tell which employee is the manager? It’s typically the one with the tight pants and brightly colored shirt, carrying a walkie talkie, which nobody else apparently carries; not even the security guard carries one!
  5. No, that donut display is not fresh. Those donuts have been sitting there the last 3 days I’ve stood here. But they’re on sale, so you can’t beat that!
  6. No, I don’t care that you’ve worked as a security guard before. Judging by the grocery cart full of food, I can tell you’re doing much better for yourself now. Why are you even talking to me? Can’t I just enjoy my miserable job in peace?
  7. There are more men than women that buy a bouquet of flowers. Most of the men buying these bouquets always have a guilty look on their faces. Sorry to break this to you man, if you think apologizing with flowers is gonna get you out of the dog house, you might as well give ME the $6.99 you’re going to spend on flowers that your lady will throw away the instant you give them to her.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST

Yoga pants are not for everyone. I know it should be obvious, but some things just are not. Yoga pants should come with an obvious label much like a bottle of bleach that warns you: “Don’t ingest bleach”. It should be something along the lines of: “Objects in these pants may be stranger than they appear.”

Calling in Sick? Call Dr. Feelgood!


Before my Underdog Comedy blog, I blogged about finding loopholes in things. The following is one of my favorites:

“I’m not coming in to work again today, boss. I’m still sick.”

“You’re sick again? Ok, remember, if you miss another day, we’re going to need a doctor’s note.”
Whether you’re really sick or just need an extended time away from work, the “We need you to bring a doctor’s note” line can really cut in to your mini sabbatical. Let’s assume you really aren’t sick? What goes through your mind when you hear that….”….bring a doctor’s note.” ? Is your employer asking you to PROVE that you were really sick during those extended days? How in the world can you prove you were sick when you really weren’t??!! Is this really what your employer is asking you to do?
To answer that, let’s read a portion of one of my Employee Manuals;
—If you miss three (3) consecutive working days because of illness or injury, you must, before returning to work, submit a doctor’s release slip stating that you may return to work with no
restrictions. If restrictions are required, your return to work will be dependent upon your ability to
effectively perform your regular job, even with the restrictions.—
Ahhh, let’s read that again with NEW loophole EYES;
—If you miss three (3) consecutive working days because of illness or injury, you must, before returning to work, submit a doctor’s RELEASE slip STATING THAT YOU MAY RETURN TO WORK WITH NO RESTRICTIONS. If restrictions are required, your return to work will be dependent upon your ability to
effectively perform your regular job, even with the restrictions.—
Where, in that last paragraph, do you read, “…doctor’s note stating that you WERE REALLY SICK”? All your employer really wants is to know that you are NO LONGER sick! So, for the cost of a doctor’s co-pay, you can walk right in to your doctor’s office and say, “Doc, I need a clean bill of health!” and voila! After a quick check of your vital signs, your doctor will send you on your way with a release slip stating how healthy you are!
I challenge you to pull out your own Employee’s Manual and read between the lines for yourself. The loopholes are there, people, and all it takes is applying a few 5th grade reading comprehension skills !
Until next time!!
:~)

I’m Lazy


I’ve known about my laziness for a very long time now. And when I say ‘lazy’, I mean, lazy when it comes to doing things for me. You would think that I’ve got plenty of time to work on my comedy, but when I find that free time…I do nothing. I just vegetate. That’s all I do. The rest of my day is filled with operating at a frantic pace. When I have a little time to myself, I choose to just be. That’s all. I just like to ‘be’. Does that make sense? Let me run down a typical day for me:

6am – Up and at em’! Gotta get ready for work.Thank goodness I don’t have any hair cuz not having to comb my hair sure saves a lot of time.

6:50 Leave the house early to pick up my daughter from her mother’s house to take her to school.

8am – I make it to work where I work as a stock broker helping people lose their money. Thank goodness that the investment decisions are all made by our clients and I don’t ever have to give my 2 cents and be responsible for any of their financial down falls! Work is always done at 100 miles per hour…

4:30 – Quitting time. Gotta head back out to the opposite side of town to pick up my daughter from any sports activity she may be in, then pick up my other kid to make our way to the park where I coach his football team. Practice ends at 7.

7:45 – After dropping my son off at his mother’s house, I then head on over to the gym to get my work out in for the day. There’s plenty of commitment here and as I get older, it’s now not just for looks but to stay alive!

8:45 – Head out of the gym then to my favorite meat market where I get the best steaks, chicken and fish in town!

9:15 – Home sweet home, where I must greet and feed my stupid dog, shower, then make myself my dinner.

10:00 – Me time… It’s now too late to do anything else. Write jokes? Not tonight. Gotta head to bed to repeat this schedule all over again..

Tonight, however, I chose to blog….

My salute to every Underdog out there!!

Love What You Do…


I saw a commercial once of 2 archeologists out in the middle of the desert. Braving what appeared to be intense heat, both men hid under a tent to get away from the sun. One of the men, looking exhausted and dripping with sweat, said to the other, “Man, I can’t wait to retire! How about you?” The other man looked up, smiled widely and said, “I AM retired…”

That’s what it’s all about! Doing what you LOVE. I’ve heard it said once like this, “If you do what you love, you can’t call it work.” – Author unknown to me-.

Currently, I work as a stock broker and although I love the world of investing, I don’t love my job. I am also a stand up comic, but I don’t make a living at that yet. I am still working on adding more time to my set and trying to move up the performance ladder, but that will certainly take some time. In the meantime, I still have bills to pay, so off to work I go! I am extremely thankful for the job I have though and I wouldn’t want to have to work anywhere else. But, I am certainly not looking tat staying here any longer than I have to. One day, I’m hoping the hard work and dedication I am putting into stand up comedy will pay off. I’m not looking for fame or fortune, just an opportunity to work doing what I love…